Monday, August 24, 2009

projectile curry!

warning! this post is so grossly ew that it may put some people off for life! i know i am...

me and my best mate stritch went shopping the other day and decided to go try on some clothes at this one store. while in the changing rooms however, i started feeling a bit sick... like dizzy and faint. so next thing i know, while strictch is getting changed, i vomitted up my lunch which just so happened to be curry. vegetable korma to be exact (too much info? sorry...)

it was so gross. it was like, a fountain of gross curry erupting from my mouth! and it STANK so BAD!!! stritch comes running outta the changing room like OMG OMG OMG!!! and i was so dizzy from both the smell and the ill feeling of having puked so much. the shop assistants were like, you guys have to clean it up! so stritch bein the bestest mate in the whole world got down on her hands and knees and cleaned up my vomit with a bucket and newspapers and paper towels. now, if that doesn't say true BFFFs i don't know what does.

don't get my wrong though. i (as always) had the last say. while stumbling out with vomit in hair and chin, i smiled (with probably vomit in teeth too! gross!) and said "sorry your clothes were just so revolting that that was the only way i could show my true disgust!"


Friday, August 14, 2009

i'm a disable's mom!!

oh god. give me strength. i have such shame writing this but i just have to. you guys need a jolly good laugh to cheer you up at my expense. this one blog here is the most nuttiest, craziest piece of writing i will ever recount about my family. well my mother dearest to be exact. ok here goes...

we all know that my sister Monica is disabled right? (well if you don't, what are you doing reading this?? go back to the beginning loser!). well here in little ol New Zealand (and i'm sure they have it in the rest of the world as well) we have what is called a disabled card which means you can park in a disabled car park which is a lot closer to the building. and we have a van to cart Monica around in (and yes i know i just used the word cart around to describe driving around my disabled sister). well the other night the family went to the mall (not prety i tell you and i do promise to tell you later on!) and when we got back to the van it was clamped!!! the mall security told us it got clamped coz it wasn't displaying a valid disabled card. we were like WHAT?? where is it?? well we somehow convinced them to release us and sort out the location of the missing disabled card later at home.

we got home and mother dearest was like, "oh yeah. i remember now. i've been using the card a lot and forgot to put it back in the van." i couldn't believe this. mother dearest would, (on many occasions it turned out) take the disabled card and use it so she could park closer to the building. be it malls, grocery stores, work even! wow. we were like, you gotta stop doin that. if your age is in the way you can get a disabled card of your own. makes sense right?? let the disabled people park in the disabled carparks!!
i was like "it's for physically disabled people mother. not MENTALLY disabled people like you..."

mother dearest started getting defensively mad and started yelling "i'm a disable's MOM! i have to go through hell everyday (she actually does NOT) and i need it!" omg. this is the point where i have to interrupt the story and swear that this woman did not at all give birth to me.

the old man, being the quiet aggressor just nodded his head along to this and made everyone calm down and go get ready for bed. next morning he had somehow padlocked the disabled card to the van's dashboard with a chain. i kid you not. hilarious stuff. serves her right!

again. on behalf of my mother (not so) dearest i apologise to all you disabled people out there who's carparks were taken by her. she is a disable's mom.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

how to have the best relationship ever!

i mentioned earlier on that i was engaged. it has come to my attention that i have yet to write anything about my johnny so here goes. you're probably wondering wow it must take a lot for a guy to put up with a family as insane as mine. don't worry you guys! i assure you he is perfectly sane and i did not trap him in the slightest! he knew what he was getting into from the first day i promise... :D

recently however i have found out that john is about just as much of a nutter as i am. we went out to a restaurant the other night and i somehow got chili flakes stuck in my teeth (don't you just hate it when that happens??!) and so me being the girl that i am asked john to ask for one when we went up to pay as they had not had it out on the counter. he goes ok sure. he pays for dinner but sure enough he has to spoil it by saying "can i have a toothpick please? it's for her" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i replied "yeah it's to poke his eyes out later on..."

don't you worry i got him back. went to the supermarket the other day and he was like "oh i need anti dandruff shampoo" (i cracked up at this as i am sure you are too!) and we went to go get it. he says "you get it. it doesn't look right if i get it" awww poor johnny was too embarrassed to admit he has a problem... hehehehe
i was like, "it's your problem, i'm not holding it!" but just a little too loudly and everyone at the supermaket turns to john and looks him up and down, trying to identify this "problem" of his. i swear you had to be there. it was hilarious. maybe not as good as what he did to me but i still have some tricks up my sleeve don't you worry!

i know it doesn't seem that way from what i've written but we love each other... we really do... it's important to be able to alugh at each other and make fun of each other in a relationship. what am i talking about?? don't take my advice! i hail from the most dysfunctional family in the world! ah well whatever works. so long as there is love. and we have love johnny and i.
........lots and lots of it ;)


Thursday, July 23, 2009

nailing that polish

ok i know that there are some eating etiquettes in life that we all follow and sometimes not. we sometimes eat with our hands let's not lie now. soup is slurped often and what fork to be used for what is beyond me. however, this is my family so we're not really your usual dose of family fun love. i admit we're not the world's most classiest, most sophisticated family but some lines should really be drawn.

we all went out to a family dinner at this new restaurant that just opened up near our place the other night. after making orders to the vacant looking waitress i expected that we would all you know, do the normal thing and talk amongst ourselves till the food arrived. ah how i always keep forgetting that my family is far far from normal.

what does my mother dearest do? she whips outta her hand bag and produces a nail polish bottle. i kid you not. a bottle of nail polish. and she starts doing her nails. at the restaurant. her nails. with nail varnish!! so wayne was like this is not the time or the place you should put it away. she replies with oh i just don't have time to do it at home! rich coming from the woman who doesn't have to work but chooses to.

at this point everyone at the restaurant was pointing at mother dearest and whispering to each other behind their hands. hello people we can see you!! and also by this time the restaurant was quickly starting to wreak of nail polish fumes. there were even tacky old ladies with their matching jumpsuits as well with prada handbags that were pointing at mother dearest as they walked by to pay for their dinner.

we couldn't very well make a scene to tell her to put the darned thing back into her handbag as we didn't want to further humiliate ourselves. nor could we pretend she wasn't with us as i frequently do with her in public. we just had to sit and bear it. nail polish fumes. pointing and whispering people.

got home and the old man went and threw out all her stupid nail polish behind her back. way to take control old man! drawing the line right there.


Saturday, June 20, 2009

the power of love...

i have figured it out. oh yes i have. i always thought that the family had monica and mother dearest as the heads and were the ones responsible for ruining my life. oh how wrong i was...

tonight i have found that the true power lies with the old man. monica had the power of "oh i'm disabled and the oldest so you have to do what i say" and mother dearest just yells. constantly. never ending...
but the old man and his wily ways ay. i would have never thought! he is the most passive, easy going, laid back guy i have ever met. he's so chilled out and good humored that i never suspected that it was him all along that was pulling the strings of horrible fated-ness in my life. he uses the worst power of all. the most coniving, effective way. and that is, the power of love. i kid you not folks! it works!!

mother dearest always yells and threatens us all constantly that we're used to it now. we just shrug it off and laugh about it later. the old man however uses the o so mighty power of love. stop laughing. it works!! for example, tonight i wanted to go out with mates and stay over at their place. as mentioned before, my family don't like it when i go out but they could never really do anything about it. or so i thought.....

the old man pulls out the whole, "i love you. why do you want to leave me? i just want to spend as much time as possible with you. you know i haven't got much longer to live" (ok um, he's 54).
as much as i tried to reassure him that i love him he kept at it. he then moves on to the next step. using guilt. "blair bear! why would you make me unhappy?? i've done so much for you. and this is how you repay me?"
you see, if mother dearest had said this stuff i would've been like, yeah... your a pain in the ass, whatever and just left. but coming from someone that you care about and love. now that's a different thing entirely... ah yes. the power of love... it sucks.

yes i realise he guilted me into staying in tonight and he just ended up ditching me for one on one tv time but hey! don't you worry! blair shall go out... just you wait...


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

car crash

no matter how minor it is, car crashes are horrible. you may think that this is a fairly common sense idea but you must know by now. come on! my family is not of sound mind and is lacking in this common sense department... so yes. i am stating the obvious to you just in case you somehow have some inkling of my family gene. car crashes are not good. they are not done by god and they do not happen only to bad people. good people get into car crashes all the time too.

so in stating the obvious i would like to tell you the most recent happenings of my life. i got into a car crash on the way to work. some stupid girl rammed into me at a round a bout. no trust me, this was not my asian-ness moment coming out of me but it was seriously all her fault. it was just a minor crash but still it was pretty scary and shook me up. got home and told the family what happened. once again, i kid you not. this is what went down...

maybe i was fooling myself to think that i would get some pity. some hugs and a few comforting pats on the back. you know. the normal stuff. oh yeah. i had forgotten. my family ain't normal. damn.

mother dearest actually grins. GRINS i tell you! and says how good it is that i finally get what i deserve and that it's a sign from god that i should be a better daughter!
the old man keeps on telling me that it's my fault and that i'm the most reckless driver in the world and that even monica can drive her electric wheelchair better than me. when i ask him if he's been driven by all the drivers in the world, mother dearest goes on to say how rude i am and that god wants to punish me. we're not even religious i remind her and go upstairs and get a cuddle and hug (and a wet lick) from luke.

great. the only love i get is from my cat. that is sad.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

it's that time of year again...

no it's not christmas. or new years. it is june. plain old june for u. calendar month for me. the old man has an addiction with calendars. burmese calendars to be exact. google em and u'll see wat i mean. theyr'e these huge posters of girls and guys (mainly girls) dressed in traditional burmese attire and holding flowers and excess amounts of jewellery.

on june every year the old man orders like, 15 of them from burma. to give as presents to others? you ask. no. to hang in every single room in our house. not kidding. there's one on every wall. he even went so far as to replace photos of me in the dining room! so i asked him why he does this. the old man replies, "so that i can have peace of mind."

and so being the great daughter that i am, i took all the current calendars off the walls and put them in his room so that he can enjoy them in his own private time. the next day they're back up around the house. i asked him why he did that and he replies "if u were married to someone like ur mother dearest, u would want peace of mind in every room u go to as well."

gotcha. fair enough. bring on the calendars old man!


Monday, June 8, 2009

i say therefore you do!

there's this on going chain of wayne doing whatever he's told to do in the family. maybe it stems from the fact that our country of origin is under a strict and cruel military regime that oppresses its people or maybe its just one of mother dearests' infamous quotes of "we may be living in a democratic country but under my roof it is a dictatorship!" which she likes to remind us every single day from the top of the stair case as she attempts to rule our lives and make herself the center of our universe. the family (except wayne coz despite the similarities in appearances, i think he may have been adopted). yes wayne is a special case. he isn't the most clued in member of the family and we all love exploiting that fact.

this system of barking out orders and expecting others to do whatever it is that they're told to do is evident even in our childhood years. it is deeply ingrained into the family's dna. like when monica told wayne to stick his head between the veranda bars and he did so and got his head stuck between the bars. or that time that i told wayne to step on the massive insect which turned out to be a crab which took half his toe off and also that time we told .... hmmm there seems to be a pattern forming here doesn't it?? wayne does have a way of being our henchman at times even if it causes him a a serious headache and missing a limb or two...

when going out to a party or out to town wayne and me go out at similar times. mother dearest will bark from the top of the staircase that it's too late! (it's only 11pm...) and that we're not allowed to go out. i'm 20. wayne is 23. i just look back, give her 'the look' and just get into my car and drive off. i swear to god, wayne says "yes mama."

not kidding. a 23yr old guy still calls his mom mama and he actually goes back upstairs and into his room. wow.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

the great (yet hilarious) evil that is monica

the thing with our family is that our sense of humor involves pain. if someone is in pain we all laugh at them. don't act like you don't do it too! we've all watched and laughed along to funny and sometimes disgusting scenes on tv while cringing! so ur in the weird humor basket with us as well!

one thing u should all know about my sister monica is that she is a super hygiene freak. so to make her life a little bit more fun, my sister does these little things in which she will pick one victim in our family and give them hell.
lately the victim has been our frazzeled and frantic mother dearest who is the most hilarious person to wind up just because of the hilarious things that come out of her mouth.

when cooking it is normal for us to use our hands sometimes when adding right? well according to monica, it's disgusting and you should never use your hands in the kitchen.
so tonight monica catches mother dearest using her hands to mix something into a salad. she looks at me and gives me a 'watch what i'm gonna do' look and repeatedly says 'that's disgusting! i'm not gonna eat that anymore! you're so gross! i'm not eating it!!!'

and mother dearest tries to reassure her that it's ok and that she was in a hurry and that she did wash her hands but gets angry and gives up trying to defend herself so she yells back saying 'you know what? i scratched my ass before handling your food! and i always do before i make your food!' and storms out.

everyone goes silent. monica then says 'so we gonna eat or what?' which we all respond to with an uproar of laughter.
we all love each other really... somewhere deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down


Thursday, May 28, 2009

make up to break up

i don't consider myself to be a hygiene freak. i will drink out of the same soup bowl as everyone else. i can stand not having a shower for a day or two. i can even stand to wear the same underwear for two days if i'm too tired to do the laundry. but for some reason i absolutely cannot stand sharing make up. my foundation to be exact. eyeliner, mascara even lip gloss - go for it. what's mine is yours. but touch my foundation and consider urself dead.

that's why to my shock horror this morning, when i found my foundation brush used and the bottle decreased in volume i felt quite faint. it could only be mother dearest (again i say dearest with gritted teeth and a shudder down my spine). monica can't exactly come upstairs and wayne wouldn't touch it (although i do catch him eyeing it up sometimes hmmm...) so that only left mother dearest.

i know your probably thinking it's your own mother! she gave birth to you and you even had her breast milk! (i still claim that i vomitted it back up when i was a baby to this day). but come on. seriously. would you let hitler use your razor? exactly! and yes. that was the exact comparison i was going for thank you very much!!

so tonight at dinner i subtly asked her "are you running out of your make up?" and she was like "nope." i wanted to scream "LIAR!" but i just said "oh coz my foundation was used this morning." now everyone in my family knows how sensitive i am on this topic and they all kinda stopped eating for a bit and just flicked their eyes from me to mother dearest.

get this she says to me "you look so pretty i just wanted to use it to look as pretty as you!" you may be thinking awww so sweet but no!! do not fall for it!!! this coming from the woman that said i looked "fine" at the night of my school ball and i later won best dressed that night whoo! so you get my drift??
i just said you can have it. i don't want it anymore. (i thought i was being very very generous here by the way!)
and you could honestly just feel the air kind of hum and vibrate and next thing i know, a fork is thrown at me (sharp side first). yes. you read correctly.
a fork.
at me.
by my own mother.
next came some food and the knife.
and she starts to yell "you ungrateful little slut!" (if you haven't guessed already, that's her favourite adjective for me). apparently i should be grateful that she gave me life and by me giving her my make up that she just said a moment ago was great was an insult?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
i looked to the old man for some support and he just said that i should have just binned it and bought a new one. are you serious??

wayne looks nervously around as if he was gonna be the next target practice for mother dearest, grabs his plate and moves to the next room. i tried to follow but monica rams me with her (2 tonne!!!) wheel chair and starts calling me ungrateful and selfish.
i hobble upstairs, have a shower (as i am covered in chicken curry) and throw all my make up out.
i have a melon sized bruise on my ankle and three little dents on my arm from the fork. (i tell ya what, that woman sure can throw!)
on the bright side, at least i get to go shopping tomoro for new make up ;)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The First Chapter

Ok so there's no easy way to break it to you. This blog is about my nut house of a family and our lives. Think Brothers and Sisters mixed with a little bit of South Park and a hint of The Osbournes and you'll get a somewhat vague idea of it all.

The first thing you need to know about being a Burmese girl (even worse, the youngest in your family) is that you are pretty much the family slave. Cleaner, mediator, psychiatrist, the lot. There's three of us kids. Me (youngest, 21), Wayne (middle and ONLY boy, 24), and Monica (eldest, 27) living with mother dearest and the old man both of which have ridiculously tiring jobs and work all day.
Ok here's the crazy. We all live together. Yep. Under one roof. Yes it's a big roof but somehow mother dearest's voice carries to every corner of the house making it seem like the smallest and hollow house ever. Why don't we move out?? Well, Monica is in a wheelchair coz of some dumb disability and Wayne is just too damn lazy to move out. As for me, trust me I'm trying...
Told the old man and mother dearest that I'm moving out at the end of the year once i graduate.

I kid you not, this is what follows...
The old man did the "we came here with nothing and now we live in a mansion. You want to leave us?? Why do you want to leave me?? Do you not love me anymore?? If you move out, you are spitting on our hard work we have done to achieve all this!"
Mother dearest (and I say 'dearest' with the most wry and sarcasm filled tone) started the whole "leave her! Let her do what she wants! If she wants to go and be a slut then let her! [apparently moving out = you are a slut] She's in the gutter now! We tried so hard! She's losing all her values and respect for herself!" (see what i mean by crazy??)

Both went on for god knows how long. I just said ok and left it at that for now. I wonder what will happen when i tell them that I'm engaged... No even after like, 6months of being engaged to my boyfriend, I still have yet to tell my parents. Don't look at me like that! I know it's shocking but i'm waiting for the right moment!! If they reacted like that to me wanting to move out, imagine what would happen if i told them i was getting engaged!! Well firstly, they will say i'm too young. Then the old man will go on to say that he didn't bring me to New Zealand to get married so young. Mother dearest will continue to think i'm a slut and that i'm pregnant or something.

So yeah। That's just the start of it all. I have just barely begun to touch on the crazy. Trust me. There's more ;)