Wednesday, February 10, 2010

the truth about burmese people (part 1.)

I’ve had enough. I really have. You may well be wondering why I have not updated my posts in months and months. I have the answer to that right here in two words: BURMESE PEOPLE. They drive me up the wall and I’m just about ready to move continents and go somewhere where there are no Burmese. Switzerland perhaps? Lucky bastards...

You may think that I am over reacting and that I’m either making this up or being a drama queen. Whatever. This is how it is.. I have finally decided to expose the truth about Burmese people here in New Zealand.

Ever since the Burmese refugees have come to New Zealand about ten years ago my life has been miserable. At first I thought that I finally had some of my fellow peeps to talk with but oh how wrong I was. Not only did they bring a massive migraine for me, they have now become the heads of the underbelly of society in Auckland. I have seen things and have witnessed some things that I rather wish I had not.

1. Burmese poker.

No, it is not the fabulous world of poker faces that Lady Gaga sings about but instead enter a world where if you’re caught cheating, fingers get cut OFF and if you don’t have the sufficient money, or anything valuable on you to bet with, HOUSES are played for. Normally, people who possess a little thing that we like to call a moral conscience, would in this case at the end of the game would say things like, “No, I’m not taking your house. It’s just a game. You can pay me back later...” and other things like that. But no. At the end of the poker game with Burmese people, the mortgage is signed over with no remorse from the receiver even though he has just accepted the fact that he has just evicted the loser’s entire family from their homes. I thank my luckiest stars that that day I had decided to fold and walked away with my meagre winnings...

There are many many more atrocities that occur in the Burmese community that I will go on to reveal later I promise. Before you think it, yes of course I am ashamed of my people doing such things but I feel that the public deserves to know the truth. And no of course my family is definitely not involved in any of these things. They’re crazy and whacked but not so much that they would bet our fabulous house and sign over our mortgage to just anyone...



the truth about burmese people (part 2.)

I know that I have been a bit off topic about my crazy family but I feel that my hard time enduring the dodgy life amongst the Burmese community in New Zealand needs to be heard. And after all, you are reading the life of a Burmese girl...

1. Burmese refugees vs. New Zealand’s piss poor excuse for a Government.

Here in New Zealand we have a system called WINZ. They are like a welfare system that gives money to those who are either too old to work or people who cannot work or women who have been divorced and cannot sustain a household. It’s really a good system that intends to help those in need. Poor things. They didn’t know about the Burmese...
I have found out that sadly, my people have been ripping off loyal tax payers such as myself as well as the government.
It turns out that a Burmese couple will officially divorce and will separate during the day time to make it seem real but still sleep with each other at night. Also, it has come to my attention that the New Zealand Government has somehow decided that for these people, they will give an extra $100/week per child which is taken from the tax payer's money! So the parents pop babies out like there's no tomorrow!
And their kids? They grow up thinking that the only way to get money is to do this so there are pregnant 16yr olds running about.

Can you imagine? Saying to your boyfriend: I'm broke. Let's make some money. Get me pregnant so we can get $100/week. These kids are growing up with no hopes or future goals or aims.
No wonder the Burmese community here in New Zealand is growing at a rapid pace..

P.S The largest family recorded so far in the community?? TWELVE children. I think that's a record. Is that a record?? So, the mother and father are divorced which immediately gives them $800/week. plus 12 children so another $1200 on top of that per week. So, not including the under the table work that they do, they will be getting $2000/week from the government for popping babies out PLUS god knows how much more from their under the table jobs. Man, dodgy dodgy Burmese. But careful. Naughty naughty must get caughty caughty...


Monday, August 24, 2009

projectile curry!

warning! this post is so grossly ew that it may put some people off for life! i know i am...

me and my best mate stritch went shopping the other day and decided to go try on some clothes at this one store. while in the changing rooms however, i started feeling a bit sick... like dizzy and faint. so next thing i know, while strictch is getting changed, i vomitted up my lunch which just so happened to be curry. vegetable korma to be exact (too much info? sorry...)

it was so gross. it was like, a fountain of gross curry erupting from my mouth! and it STANK so BAD!!! stritch comes running outta the changing room like OMG OMG OMG!!! and i was so dizzy from both the smell and the ill feeling of having puked so much. the shop assistants were like, you guys have to clean it up! so stritch bein the bestest mate in the whole world got down on her hands and knees and cleaned up my vomit with a bucket and newspapers and paper towels. now, if that doesn't say true BFFFs i don't know what does.

don't get my wrong though. i (as always) had the last say. while stumbling out with vomit in hair and chin, i smiled (with probably vomit in teeth too! gross!) and said "sorry your clothes were just so revolting that that was the only way i could show my true disgust!"


Friday, August 14, 2009

i'm a disable's mom!!

oh god. give me strength. i have such shame writing this but i just have to. you guys need a jolly good laugh to cheer you up at my expense. this one blog here is the most nuttiest, craziest piece of writing i will ever recount about my family. well my mother dearest to be exact. ok here goes...

we all know that my sister Monica is disabled right? (well if you don't, what are you doing reading this?? go back to the beginning loser!). well here in little ol New Zealand (and i'm sure they have it in the rest of the world as well) we have what is called a disabled card which means you can park in a disabled car park which is a lot closer to the building. and we have a van to cart Monica around in (and yes i know i just used the word cart around to describe driving around my disabled sister). well the other night the family went to the mall (not prety i tell you and i do promise to tell you later on!) and when we got back to the van it was clamped!!! the mall security told us it got clamped coz it wasn't displaying a valid disabled card. we were like WHAT?? where is it?? well we somehow convinced them to release us and sort out the location of the missing disabled card later at home.

we got home and mother dearest was like, "oh yeah. i remember now. i've been using the card a lot and forgot to put it back in the van." i couldn't believe this. mother dearest would, (on many occasions it turned out) take the disabled card and use it so she could park closer to the building. be it malls, grocery stores, work even! wow. we were like, you gotta stop doin that. if your age is in the way you can get a disabled card of your own. makes sense right?? let the disabled people park in the disabled carparks!!
i was like "it's for physically disabled people mother. not MENTALLY disabled people like you..."

mother dearest started getting defensively mad and started yelling "i'm a disable's MOM! i have to go through hell everyday (she actually does NOT) and i need it!" omg. this is the point where i have to interrupt the story and swear that this woman did not at all give birth to me.

the old man, being the quiet aggressor just nodded his head along to this and made everyone calm down and go get ready for bed. next morning he had somehow padlocked the disabled card to the van's dashboard with a chain. i kid you not. hilarious stuff. serves her right!

again. on behalf of my mother (not so) dearest i apologise to all you disabled people out there who's carparks were taken by her. she is a disable's mom.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

how to have the best relationship ever!

i mentioned earlier on that i was engaged. it has come to my attention that i have yet to write anything about my johnny so here goes. you're probably wondering wow it must take a lot for a guy to put up with a family as insane as mine. don't worry you guys! i assure you he is perfectly sane and i did not trap him in the slightest! he knew what he was getting into from the first day i promise... :D

recently however i have found out that john is about just as much of a nutter as i am. we went out to a restaurant the other night and i somehow got chili flakes stuck in my teeth (don't you just hate it when that happens??!) and so me being the girl that i am asked john to ask for one when we went up to pay as they had not had it out on the counter. he goes ok sure. he pays for dinner but sure enough he has to spoil it by saying "can i have a toothpick please? it's for her" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i replied "yeah it's to poke his eyes out later on..."

don't you worry i got him back. went to the supermarket the other day and he was like "oh i need anti dandruff shampoo" (i cracked up at this as i am sure you are too!) and we went to go get it. he says "you get it. it doesn't look right if i get it" awww poor johnny was too embarrassed to admit he has a problem... hehehehe
i was like, "it's your problem, i'm not holding it!" but just a little too loudly and everyone at the supermaket turns to john and looks him up and down, trying to identify this "problem" of his. i swear you had to be there. it was hilarious. maybe not as good as what he did to me but i still have some tricks up my sleeve don't you worry!

i know it doesn't seem that way from what i've written but we love each other... we really do... it's important to be able to alugh at each other and make fun of each other in a relationship. what am i talking about?? don't take my advice! i hail from the most dysfunctional family in the world! ah well whatever works. so long as there is love. and we have love johnny and i.
........lots and lots of it ;)


Thursday, July 23, 2009

nailing that polish

ok i know that there are some eating etiquettes in life that we all follow and sometimes not. we sometimes eat with our hands let's not lie now. soup is slurped often and what fork to be used for what is beyond me. however, this is my family so we're not really your usual dose of family fun love. i admit we're not the world's most classiest, most sophisticated family but some lines should really be drawn.

we all went out to a family dinner at this new restaurant that just opened up near our place the other night. after making orders to the vacant looking waitress i expected that we would all you know, do the normal thing and talk amongst ourselves till the food arrived. ah how i always keep forgetting that my family is far far from normal.

what does my mother dearest do? she whips outta her hand bag and produces a nail polish bottle. i kid you not. a bottle of nail polish. and she starts doing her nails. at the restaurant. her nails. with nail varnish!! so wayne was like this is not the time or the place you should put it away. she replies with oh i just don't have time to do it at home! rich coming from the woman who doesn't have to work but chooses to.

at this point everyone at the restaurant was pointing at mother dearest and whispering to each other behind their hands. hello people we can see you!! and also by this time the restaurant was quickly starting to wreak of nail polish fumes. there were even tacky old ladies with their matching jumpsuits as well with prada handbags that were pointing at mother dearest as they walked by to pay for their dinner.

we couldn't very well make a scene to tell her to put the darned thing back into her handbag as we didn't want to further humiliate ourselves. nor could we pretend she wasn't with us as i frequently do with her in public. we just had to sit and bear it. nail polish fumes. pointing and whispering people.

got home and the old man went and threw out all her stupid nail polish behind her back. way to take control old man! drawing the line right there.


Saturday, June 20, 2009

the power of love...

i have figured it out. oh yes i have. i always thought that the family had monica and mother dearest as the heads and were the ones responsible for ruining my life. oh how wrong i was...

tonight i have found that the true power lies with the old man. monica had the power of "oh i'm disabled and the oldest so you have to do what i say" and mother dearest just yells. constantly. never ending...
but the old man and his wily ways ay. i would have never thought! he is the most passive, easy going, laid back guy i have ever met. he's so chilled out and good humored that i never suspected that it was him all along that was pulling the strings of horrible fated-ness in my life. he uses the worst power of all. the most coniving, effective way. and that is, the power of love. i kid you not folks! it works!!

mother dearest always yells and threatens us all constantly that we're used to it now. we just shrug it off and laugh about it later. the old man however uses the o so mighty power of love. stop laughing. it works!! for example, tonight i wanted to go out with mates and stay over at their place. as mentioned before, my family don't like it when i go out but they could never really do anything about it. or so i thought.....

the old man pulls out the whole, "i love you. why do you want to leave me? i just want to spend as much time as possible with you. you know i haven't got much longer to live" (ok um, he's 54).
as much as i tried to reassure him that i love him he kept at it. he then moves on to the next step. using guilt. "blair bear! why would you make me unhappy?? i've done so much for you. and this is how you repay me?"
you see, if mother dearest had said this stuff i would've been like, yeah... your a pain in the ass, whatever and just left. but coming from someone that you care about and love. now that's a different thing entirely... ah yes. the power of love... it sucks.

yes i realise he guilted me into staying in tonight and he just ended up ditching me for one on one tv time but hey! don't you worry! blair shall go out... just you wait...