Saturday, June 20, 2009

the power of love...

i have figured it out. oh yes i have. i always thought that the family had monica and mother dearest as the heads and were the ones responsible for ruining my life. oh how wrong i was...

tonight i have found that the true power lies with the old man. monica had the power of "oh i'm disabled and the oldest so you have to do what i say" and mother dearest just yells. constantly. never ending...
but the old man and his wily ways ay. i would have never thought! he is the most passive, easy going, laid back guy i have ever met. he's so chilled out and good humored that i never suspected that it was him all along that was pulling the strings of horrible fated-ness in my life. he uses the worst power of all. the most coniving, effective way. and that is, the power of love. i kid you not folks! it works!!

mother dearest always yells and threatens us all constantly that we're used to it now. we just shrug it off and laugh about it later. the old man however uses the o so mighty power of love. stop laughing. it works!! for example, tonight i wanted to go out with mates and stay over at their place. as mentioned before, my family don't like it when i go out but they could never really do anything about it. or so i thought.....

the old man pulls out the whole, "i love you. why do you want to leave me? i just want to spend as much time as possible with you. you know i haven't got much longer to live" (ok um, he's 54).
as much as i tried to reassure him that i love him he kept at it. he then moves on to the next step. using guilt. "blair bear! why would you make me unhappy?? i've done so much for you. and this is how you repay me?"
you see, if mother dearest had said this stuff i would've been like, yeah... your a pain in the ass, whatever and just left. but coming from someone that you care about and love. now that's a different thing entirely... ah yes. the power of love... it sucks.

yes i realise he guilted me into staying in tonight and he just ended up ditching me for one on one tv time but hey! don't you worry! blair shall go out... just you wait...


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

car crash

no matter how minor it is, car crashes are horrible. you may think that this is a fairly common sense idea but you must know by now. come on! my family is not of sound mind and is lacking in this common sense department... so yes. i am stating the obvious to you just in case you somehow have some inkling of my family gene. car crashes are not good. they are not done by god and they do not happen only to bad people. good people get into car crashes all the time too.

so in stating the obvious i would like to tell you the most recent happenings of my life. i got into a car crash on the way to work. some stupid girl rammed into me at a round a bout. no trust me, this was not my asian-ness moment coming out of me but it was seriously all her fault. it was just a minor crash but still it was pretty scary and shook me up. got home and told the family what happened. once again, i kid you not. this is what went down...

maybe i was fooling myself to think that i would get some pity. some hugs and a few comforting pats on the back. you know. the normal stuff. oh yeah. i had forgotten. my family ain't normal. damn.

mother dearest actually grins. GRINS i tell you! and says how good it is that i finally get what i deserve and that it's a sign from god that i should be a better daughter!
the old man keeps on telling me that it's my fault and that i'm the most reckless driver in the world and that even monica can drive her electric wheelchair better than me. when i ask him if he's been driven by all the drivers in the world, mother dearest goes on to say how rude i am and that god wants to punish me. we're not even religious i remind her and go upstairs and get a cuddle and hug (and a wet lick) from luke.

great. the only love i get is from my cat. that is sad.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

it's that time of year again...

no it's not christmas. or new years. it is june. plain old june for u. calendar month for me. the old man has an addiction with calendars. burmese calendars to be exact. google em and u'll see wat i mean. theyr'e these huge posters of girls and guys (mainly girls) dressed in traditional burmese attire and holding flowers and excess amounts of jewellery.

on june every year the old man orders like, 15 of them from burma. to give as presents to others? you ask. no. to hang in every single room in our house. not kidding. there's one on every wall. he even went so far as to replace photos of me in the dining room! so i asked him why he does this. the old man replies, "so that i can have peace of mind."

and so being the great daughter that i am, i took all the current calendars off the walls and put them in his room so that he can enjoy them in his own private time. the next day they're back up around the house. i asked him why he did that and he replies "if u were married to someone like ur mother dearest, u would want peace of mind in every room u go to as well."

gotcha. fair enough. bring on the calendars old man!


Monday, June 8, 2009

i say therefore you do!

there's this on going chain of wayne doing whatever he's told to do in the family. maybe it stems from the fact that our country of origin is under a strict and cruel military regime that oppresses its people or maybe its just one of mother dearests' infamous quotes of "we may be living in a democratic country but under my roof it is a dictatorship!" which she likes to remind us every single day from the top of the stair case as she attempts to rule our lives and make herself the center of our universe. the family (except wayne coz despite the similarities in appearances, i think he may have been adopted). yes wayne is a special case. he isn't the most clued in member of the family and we all love exploiting that fact.

this system of barking out orders and expecting others to do whatever it is that they're told to do is evident even in our childhood years. it is deeply ingrained into the family's dna. like when monica told wayne to stick his head between the veranda bars and he did so and got his head stuck between the bars. or that time that i told wayne to step on the massive insect which turned out to be a crab which took half his toe off and also that time we told .... hmmm there seems to be a pattern forming here doesn't it?? wayne does have a way of being our henchman at times even if it causes him a a serious headache and missing a limb or two...

when going out to a party or out to town wayne and me go out at similar times. mother dearest will bark from the top of the staircase that it's too late! (it's only 11pm...) and that we're not allowed to go out. i'm 20. wayne is 23. i just look back, give her 'the look' and just get into my car and drive off. i swear to god, wayne says "yes mama."

not kidding. a 23yr old guy still calls his mom mama and he actually goes back upstairs and into his room. wow.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

the great (yet hilarious) evil that is monica

the thing with our family is that our sense of humor involves pain. if someone is in pain we all laugh at them. don't act like you don't do it too! we've all watched and laughed along to funny and sometimes disgusting scenes on tv while cringing! so ur in the weird humor basket with us as well!

one thing u should all know about my sister monica is that she is a super hygiene freak. so to make her life a little bit more fun, my sister does these little things in which she will pick one victim in our family and give them hell.
lately the victim has been our frazzeled and frantic mother dearest who is the most hilarious person to wind up just because of the hilarious things that come out of her mouth.

when cooking it is normal for us to use our hands sometimes when adding right? well according to monica, it's disgusting and you should never use your hands in the kitchen.
so tonight monica catches mother dearest using her hands to mix something into a salad. she looks at me and gives me a 'watch what i'm gonna do' look and repeatedly says 'that's disgusting! i'm not gonna eat that anymore! you're so gross! i'm not eating it!!!'

and mother dearest tries to reassure her that it's ok and that she was in a hurry and that she did wash her hands but gets angry and gives up trying to defend herself so she yells back saying 'you know what? i scratched my ass before handling your food! and i always do before i make your food!' and storms out.

everyone goes silent. monica then says 'so we gonna eat or what?' which we all respond to with an uproar of laughter.
we all love each other really... somewhere deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down