warning! this post is so grossly ew that it may put some people off for life! i know i am...
me and my best mate stritch went shopping the other day and decided to go try on some clothes at this one store. while in the changing rooms however, i started feeling a bit sick... like dizzy and faint. so next thing i know, while strictch is getting changed, i vomitted up my lunch which just so happened to be curry. vegetable korma to be exact (too much info? sorry...)
it was so gross. it was like, a fountain of gross curry erupting from my mouth! and it STANK so BAD!!! stritch comes running outta the changing room like OMG OMG OMG!!! and i was so dizzy from both the smell and the ill feeling of having puked so much. the shop assistants were like, you guys have to clean it up! so stritch bein the bestest mate in the whole world got down on her hands and knees and cleaned up my vomit with a bucket and newspapers and paper towels. now, if that doesn't say true BFFFs i don't know what does.
don't get my wrong though. i (as always) had the last say. while stumbling out with vomit in hair and chin, i smiled (with probably vomit in teeth too! gross!) and said "sorry your clothes were just so revolting that that was the only way i could show my true disgust!"
hahahaha
XO
B
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
i'm a disable's mom!!
oh god. give me strength. i have such shame writing this but i just have to. you guys need a jolly good laugh to cheer you up at my expense. this one blog here is the most nuttiest, craziest piece of writing i will ever recount about my family. well my mother dearest to be exact. ok here goes...
we all know that my sister Monica is disabled right? (well if you don't, what are you doing reading this?? go back to the beginning loser!). well here in little ol New Zealand (and i'm sure they have it in the rest of the world as well) we have what is called a disabled card which means you can park in a disabled car park which is a lot closer to the building. and we have a van to cart Monica around in (and yes i know i just used the word cart around to describe driving around my disabled sister). well the other night the family went to the mall (not prety i tell you and i do promise to tell you later on!) and when we got back to the van it was clamped!!! the mall security told us it got clamped coz it wasn't displaying a valid disabled card. we were like WHAT?? where is it?? well we somehow convinced them to release us and sort out the location of the missing disabled card later at home.
we got home and mother dearest was like, "oh yeah. i remember now. i've been using the card a lot and forgot to put it back in the van." i couldn't believe this. mother dearest would, (on many occasions it turned out) take the disabled card and use it so she could park closer to the building. be it malls, grocery stores, work even! wow. we were like, you gotta stop doin that. if your age is in the way you can get a disabled card of your own. makes sense right?? let the disabled people park in the disabled carparks!!
i was like "it's for physically disabled people mother. not MENTALLY disabled people like you..."
mother dearest started getting defensively mad and started yelling "i'm a disable's MOM! i have to go through hell everyday (she actually does NOT) and i need it!" omg. this is the point where i have to interrupt the story and swear that this woman did not at all give birth to me.
the old man, being the quiet aggressor just nodded his head along to this and made everyone calm down and go get ready for bed. next morning he had somehow padlocked the disabled card to the van's dashboard with a chain. i kid you not. hilarious stuff. serves her right!
again. on behalf of my mother (not so) dearest i apologise to all you disabled people out there who's carparks were taken by her. she is a disable's mom.
XO
B
we all know that my sister Monica is disabled right? (well if you don't, what are you doing reading this?? go back to the beginning loser!). well here in little ol New Zealand (and i'm sure they have it in the rest of the world as well) we have what is called a disabled card which means you can park in a disabled car park which is a lot closer to the building. and we have a van to cart Monica around in (and yes i know i just used the word cart around to describe driving around my disabled sister). well the other night the family went to the mall (not prety i tell you and i do promise to tell you later on!) and when we got back to the van it was clamped!!! the mall security told us it got clamped coz it wasn't displaying a valid disabled card. we were like WHAT?? where is it?? well we somehow convinced them to release us and sort out the location of the missing disabled card later at home.
we got home and mother dearest was like, "oh yeah. i remember now. i've been using the card a lot and forgot to put it back in the van." i couldn't believe this. mother dearest would, (on many occasions it turned out) take the disabled card and use it so she could park closer to the building. be it malls, grocery stores, work even! wow. we were like, you gotta stop doin that. if your age is in the way you can get a disabled card of your own. makes sense right?? let the disabled people park in the disabled carparks!!
i was like "it's for physically disabled people mother. not MENTALLY disabled people like you..."
mother dearest started getting defensively mad and started yelling "i'm a disable's MOM! i have to go through hell everyday (she actually does NOT) and i need it!" omg. this is the point where i have to interrupt the story and swear that this woman did not at all give birth to me.
the old man, being the quiet aggressor just nodded his head along to this and made everyone calm down and go get ready for bed. next morning he had somehow padlocked the disabled card to the van's dashboard with a chain. i kid you not. hilarious stuff. serves her right!
again. on behalf of my mother (not so) dearest i apologise to all you disabled people out there who's carparks were taken by her. she is a disable's mom.
XO
B
Saturday, July 25, 2009
how to have the best relationship ever!
i mentioned earlier on that i was engaged. it has come to my attention that i have yet to write anything about my johnny so here goes. you're probably wondering wow it must take a lot for a guy to put up with a family as insane as mine. don't worry you guys! i assure you he is perfectly sane and i did not trap him in the slightest! he knew what he was getting into from the first day i promise... :D
recently however i have found out that john is about just as much of a nutter as i am. we went out to a restaurant the other night and i somehow got chili flakes stuck in my teeth (don't you just hate it when that happens??!) and so me being the girl that i am asked john to ask for one when we went up to pay as they had not had it out on the counter. he goes ok sure. he pays for dinner but sure enough he has to spoil it by saying "can i have a toothpick please? it's for her" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i replied "yeah it's to poke his eyes out later on..."
don't you worry i got him back. went to the supermarket the other day and he was like "oh i need anti dandruff shampoo" (i cracked up at this as i am sure you are too!) and we went to go get it. he says "you get it. it doesn't look right if i get it" awww poor johnny was too embarrassed to admit he has a problem... hehehehe
i was like, "it's your problem, i'm not holding it!" but just a little too loudly and everyone at the supermaket turns to john and looks him up and down, trying to identify this "problem" of his. i swear you had to be there. it was hilarious. maybe not as good as what he did to me but i still have some tricks up my sleeve don't you worry!
i know it doesn't seem that way from what i've written but we love each other... we really do... it's important to be able to alugh at each other and make fun of each other in a relationship. what am i talking about?? don't take my advice! i hail from the most dysfunctional family in the world! ah well whatever works. so long as there is love. and we have love johnny and i.
........lots and lots of it ;)
XO
B
recently however i have found out that john is about just as much of a nutter as i am. we went out to a restaurant the other night and i somehow got chili flakes stuck in my teeth (don't you just hate it when that happens??!) and so me being the girl that i am asked john to ask for one when we went up to pay as they had not had it out on the counter. he goes ok sure. he pays for dinner but sure enough he has to spoil it by saying "can i have a toothpick please? it's for her" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i replied "yeah it's to poke his eyes out later on..."
don't you worry i got him back. went to the supermarket the other day and he was like "oh i need anti dandruff shampoo" (i cracked up at this as i am sure you are too!) and we went to go get it. he says "you get it. it doesn't look right if i get it" awww poor johnny was too embarrassed to admit he has a problem... hehehehe
i was like, "it's your problem, i'm not holding it!" but just a little too loudly and everyone at the supermaket turns to john and looks him up and down, trying to identify this "problem" of his. i swear you had to be there. it was hilarious. maybe not as good as what he did to me but i still have some tricks up my sleeve don't you worry!
i know it doesn't seem that way from what i've written but we love each other... we really do... it's important to be able to alugh at each other and make fun of each other in a relationship. what am i talking about?? don't take my advice! i hail from the most dysfunctional family in the world! ah well whatever works. so long as there is love. and we have love johnny and i.
........lots and lots of it ;)
XO
B
Thursday, July 23, 2009
nailing that polish
ok i know that there are some eating etiquettes in life that we all follow and sometimes not. we sometimes eat with our hands let's not lie now. soup is slurped often and what fork to be used for what is beyond me. however, this is my family so we're not really your usual dose of family fun love. i admit we're not the world's most classiest, most sophisticated family but some lines should really be drawn.
we all went out to a family dinner at this new restaurant that just opened up near our place the other night. after making orders to the vacant looking waitress i expected that we would all you know, do the normal thing and talk amongst ourselves till the food arrived. ah how i always keep forgetting that my family is far far from normal.
what does my mother dearest do? she whips outta her hand bag and produces a nail polish bottle. i kid you not. a bottle of nail polish. and she starts doing her nails. at the restaurant. her nails. with nail varnish!! so wayne was like this is not the time or the place you should put it away. she replies with oh i just don't have time to do it at home! rich coming from the woman who doesn't have to work but chooses to.
at this point everyone at the restaurant was pointing at mother dearest and whispering to each other behind their hands. hello people we can see you!! and also by this time the restaurant was quickly starting to wreak of nail polish fumes. there were even tacky old ladies with their matching jumpsuits as well with prada handbags that were pointing at mother dearest as they walked by to pay for their dinner.
we couldn't very well make a scene to tell her to put the darned thing back into her handbag as we didn't want to further humiliate ourselves. nor could we pretend she wasn't with us as i frequently do with her in public. we just had to sit and bear it. nail polish fumes. pointing and whispering people.
got home and the old man went and threw out all her stupid nail polish behind her back. way to take control old man! drawing the line right there.
XO
B
we all went out to a family dinner at this new restaurant that just opened up near our place the other night. after making orders to the vacant looking waitress i expected that we would all you know, do the normal thing and talk amongst ourselves till the food arrived. ah how i always keep forgetting that my family is far far from normal.
what does my mother dearest do? she whips outta her hand bag and produces a nail polish bottle. i kid you not. a bottle of nail polish. and she starts doing her nails. at the restaurant. her nails. with nail varnish!! so wayne was like this is not the time or the place you should put it away. she replies with oh i just don't have time to do it at home! rich coming from the woman who doesn't have to work but chooses to.
at this point everyone at the restaurant was pointing at mother dearest and whispering to each other behind their hands. hello people we can see you!! and also by this time the restaurant was quickly starting to wreak of nail polish fumes. there were even tacky old ladies with their matching jumpsuits as well with prada handbags that were pointing at mother dearest as they walked by to pay for their dinner.
we couldn't very well make a scene to tell her to put the darned thing back into her handbag as we didn't want to further humiliate ourselves. nor could we pretend she wasn't with us as i frequently do with her in public. we just had to sit and bear it. nail polish fumes. pointing and whispering people.
got home and the old man went and threw out all her stupid nail polish behind her back. way to take control old man! drawing the line right there.
XO
B
Saturday, June 20, 2009
the power of love...
i have figured it out. oh yes i have. i always thought that the family had monica and mother dearest as the heads and were the ones responsible for ruining my life. oh how wrong i was...
tonight i have found that the true power lies with the old man. monica had the power of "oh i'm disabled and the oldest so you have to do what i say" and mother dearest just yells. constantly. never ending...
but the old man and his wily ways ay. i would have never thought! he is the most passive, easy going, laid back guy i have ever met. he's so chilled out and good humored that i never suspected that it was him all along that was pulling the strings of horrible fated-ness in my life. he uses the worst power of all. the most coniving, effective way. and that is, the power of love. i kid you not folks! it works!!
mother dearest always yells and threatens us all constantly that we're used to it now. we just shrug it off and laugh about it later. the old man however uses the o so mighty power of love. stop laughing. it works!! for example, tonight i wanted to go out with mates and stay over at their place. as mentioned before, my family don't like it when i go out but they could never really do anything about it. or so i thought.....
the old man pulls out the whole, "i love you. why do you want to leave me? i just want to spend as much time as possible with you. you know i haven't got much longer to live" (ok um, he's 54).
as much as i tried to reassure him that i love him he kept at it. he then moves on to the next step. using guilt. "blair bear! why would you make me unhappy?? i've done so much for you. and this is how you repay me?"
you see, if mother dearest had said this stuff i would've been like, yeah... your a pain in the ass, whatever and just left. but coming from someone that you care about and love. now that's a different thing entirely... ah yes. the power of love... it sucks.
yes i realise he guilted me into staying in tonight and he just ended up ditching me for one on one tv time but hey! don't you worry! blair shall go out... just you wait...
XOXO
B
tonight i have found that the true power lies with the old man. monica had the power of "oh i'm disabled and the oldest so you have to do what i say" and mother dearest just yells. constantly. never ending...
but the old man and his wily ways ay. i would have never thought! he is the most passive, easy going, laid back guy i have ever met. he's so chilled out and good humored that i never suspected that it was him all along that was pulling the strings of horrible fated-ness in my life. he uses the worst power of all. the most coniving, effective way. and that is, the power of love. i kid you not folks! it works!!
mother dearest always yells and threatens us all constantly that we're used to it now. we just shrug it off and laugh about it later. the old man however uses the o so mighty power of love. stop laughing. it works!! for example, tonight i wanted to go out with mates and stay over at their place. as mentioned before, my family don't like it when i go out but they could never really do anything about it. or so i thought.....
the old man pulls out the whole, "i love you. why do you want to leave me? i just want to spend as much time as possible with you. you know i haven't got much longer to live" (ok um, he's 54).
as much as i tried to reassure him that i love him he kept at it. he then moves on to the next step. using guilt. "blair bear! why would you make me unhappy?? i've done so much for you. and this is how you repay me?"
you see, if mother dearest had said this stuff i would've been like, yeah... your a pain in the ass, whatever and just left. but coming from someone that you care about and love. now that's a different thing entirely... ah yes. the power of love... it sucks.
yes i realise he guilted me into staying in tonight and he just ended up ditching me for one on one tv time but hey! don't you worry! blair shall go out... just you wait...
XOXO
B
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
car crash
no matter how minor it is, car crashes are horrible. you may think that this is a fairly common sense idea but you must know by now. come on! my family is not of sound mind and is lacking in this common sense department... so yes. i am stating the obvious to you just in case you somehow have some inkling of my family gene. car crashes are not good. they are not done by god and they do not happen only to bad people. good people get into car crashes all the time too.
so in stating the obvious i would like to tell you the most recent happenings of my life. i got into a car crash on the way to work. some stupid girl rammed into me at a round a bout. no trust me, this was not my asian-ness moment coming out of me but it was seriously all her fault. it was just a minor crash but still it was pretty scary and shook me up. got home and told the family what happened. once again, i kid you not. this is what went down...
maybe i was fooling myself to think that i would get some pity. some hugs and a few comforting pats on the back. you know. the normal stuff. oh yeah. i had forgotten. my family ain't normal. damn.
mother dearest actually grins. GRINS i tell you! and says how good it is that i finally get what i deserve and that it's a sign from god that i should be a better daughter!
the old man keeps on telling me that it's my fault and that i'm the most reckless driver in the world and that even monica can drive her electric wheelchair better than me. when i ask him if he's been driven by all the drivers in the world, mother dearest goes on to say how rude i am and that god wants to punish me. we're not even religious i remind her and go upstairs and get a cuddle and hug (and a wet lick) from luke.
great. the only love i get is from my cat. that is sad.
XOXO
B
so in stating the obvious i would like to tell you the most recent happenings of my life. i got into a car crash on the way to work. some stupid girl rammed into me at a round a bout. no trust me, this was not my asian-ness moment coming out of me but it was seriously all her fault. it was just a minor crash but still it was pretty scary and shook me up. got home and told the family what happened. once again, i kid you not. this is what went down...
maybe i was fooling myself to think that i would get some pity. some hugs and a few comforting pats on the back. you know. the normal stuff. oh yeah. i had forgotten. my family ain't normal. damn.
mother dearest actually grins. GRINS i tell you! and says how good it is that i finally get what i deserve and that it's a sign from god that i should be a better daughter!
the old man keeps on telling me that it's my fault and that i'm the most reckless driver in the world and that even monica can drive her electric wheelchair better than me. when i ask him if he's been driven by all the drivers in the world, mother dearest goes on to say how rude i am and that god wants to punish me. we're not even religious i remind her and go upstairs and get a cuddle and hug (and a wet lick) from luke.
great. the only love i get is from my cat. that is sad.
XOXO
B
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
it's that time of year again...
no it's not christmas. or new years. it is june. plain old june for u. calendar month for me. the old man has an addiction with calendars. burmese calendars to be exact. google em and u'll see wat i mean. theyr'e these huge posters of girls and guys (mainly girls) dressed in traditional burmese attire and holding flowers and excess amounts of jewellery.
on june every year the old man orders like, 15 of them from burma. to give as presents to others? you ask. no. to hang in every single room in our house. not kidding. there's one on every wall. he even went so far as to replace photos of me in the dining room! so i asked him why he does this. the old man replies, "so that i can have peace of mind."
and so being the great daughter that i am, i took all the current calendars off the walls and put them in his room so that he can enjoy them in his own private time. the next day they're back up around the house. i asked him why he did that and he replies "if u were married to someone like ur mother dearest, u would want peace of mind in every room u go to as well."
gotcha. fair enough. bring on the calendars old man!
XOXO
B
on june every year the old man orders like, 15 of them from burma. to give as presents to others? you ask. no. to hang in every single room in our house. not kidding. there's one on every wall. he even went so far as to replace photos of me in the dining room! so i asked him why he does this. the old man replies, "so that i can have peace of mind."
and so being the great daughter that i am, i took all the current calendars off the walls and put them in his room so that he can enjoy them in his own private time. the next day they're back up around the house. i asked him why he did that and he replies "if u were married to someone like ur mother dearest, u would want peace of mind in every room u go to as well."
gotcha. fair enough. bring on the calendars old man!
XOXO
B
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